And So It Began
by MrPresident
Summary: The story of a group of humans from Sunnydale and a pair of Ha'lot demons from Q3.
1. Thanks For All The Fish

And So It Began 

**_Author's Note: This story is set at the beginning of the last series. Thank you very much BBC. _**

****

Chapter One – Thanks For All The Fish 

****

            Xander had begun to wonder. He was not known for his wondering. Actually he was not known for much. Maybe for being able to build a house on time and within budget but that isn't really much to be known for now, is it? It's not the sort of thing that would set history books alight, matches are much better for that. Anyway Xander began to wonder. What triggered off this moment of wondering was a simple act that one would not normally associate with the triggering of wonderment. The act was the flicking of hair. By this I mean the swift hand movement intended to remove hair from one's vision. A very simple act unless, of course, if you have no arms. Luckily this person did have arms, two of them, both located at the upper part of the body, as one would expect, or in some cases, hope. This flicking of hair took place in the ordinary surrounding of an ordinary home in an extraordinary town. For you see something lurked in the shadows of this town. I would tell you what that something was but it was too dark to see what with the shadows and all. I always underestimate the darkness of shadows. The occupants of this ordinary home with its ordinary surrounding were, like the town they lived in, extraordinary. They knew the dark secret of existence. This secret that has been kept from the rest of humanity by a series of clever deceptions, implausible events, and just a general stupidity, that is commonly correlated with the human race.  That dark secret was also obscured by the darkness of its dark nature. Nevertheless this dark secret exists and these people know that it exists. They also know that other people don't that it exists and don't know that they know that it exists. They do know that other, other, people do know that they know it exists and that they know that they know that they know, you know? Basically, some people know, some people don't and the rest refused to answer my questions. Anyway, back to the ordinary surrounding of the ordinary home of the extraordinary.

A redheaded girl shouted at the dark amply built man seated on the chair opposite her "Xander?"

He did not respond. 

She increased her volume. "Xander?" 

He still did not respond.

"Xander?" 

This time she threw a cushion timed to hit him as the last syllable came out of her mouth. This time he did respond.

"What?" He said removing the cushion from his face.

The redheaded girl pointed to the glass table in-between them. 

"Are you going to eat that last slice?" She asked.

Xander looked at her with a mix of disbelief and annoyance in his eyes. 

"You threw a cushion at me to ask me that?" He paused ever so slightly before continuing. "Of course I'm going to eat it." 

At this he reached down and picked up the solitary slice from the flat cardboard box on the table and began to eat it in one of the most disgusting ways imaginable. The redheaded girl turned away in either disgust or irritation, it's hard to tell with women (Probably just alienated a part of my audience there, oh well). A blonde girl emerged from the kitchen carrying her own slice of pizza and also eating it in a disgusting fashion. By a pure piece of chance she walked straight into the eye-line of the redheaded girl as she turned her head away from Xander. Now the redheaded girl didn't know which way to turn and ended up rolling her eyes towards the ceiling. 

"Where did you get that?" She said returning her gaze to the blonde woman.

"What?" She responded in mock innocence.

"That slice. Where did you get that slice?"

"From the pizza. That's usually where you get pizza slices from." 

Xander let out a laugh at this retort. Well, he tried. The laugh came out more as a choking sound, which was not helped by the fact that it was followed so soon by him actually choking. After a few seconds an extreme noise he recovered enough to slam a hand against his chest and make a remark about the pizza being smooth. After this the redheaded girl went back to looking at the blonde girl, this time with an accusing look more suited to a daytime television detective. 

"You hid it, didn't you Buffy?" She said in her best I-know-what-you-did voice.

"No, of course not, Willow. How silly. Why would I hide a pizza slice?" Replied the blonde girl in her I-know-that-you-know-what-I-did voice.

Xander looked on intently as thoughts of catfight raced through his mind. Willow stared for a long time relative to really short periods of time, such as the amount of time a man spends during his lifetime thinking about wallpaper. 

"Maybe you wanted the last slice for yourself. Maybe you hid it in the kitchen to make sure of this. Maybe you broke the rules of the takeaway pizza. Maybe."

Buffy looked confused. "Broke the rules of the takeaway pizza? What the hell…?" 

"Everyone knows the rules of the takeaway pizza." Said Willow as if it was a scientifically proven fact or a widely believed Internet rumour about a member of the British royal family. 

Buffy turned to Xander for help, "Xander?".

"You don't know the rules of the takeaway pizza?" He said in shock. "I thought everyone knew."

"Okay, you two are insane. You know that, right?"

"Buffy, it is quite simple." Explained Willow. "The rules of the takeaway pizza are, all slices of pizza must remain inside the box until they are taken out to be eaten. After they are taken out then they must be eaten within three minutes or they have to be returned to the box. The second rule is that the last slice of pizza must be offered by the person who wants to eat it most to the person who most wants to eat it after them. The third rule is that any pizza remaining the next morning is fair game for everyone, including those who were not there to eat it, and paid for it, the night before. The final rule is that pineapple is not and must never be a pizza topping."

"And everyone knows these rules?"

Both Willow and Xander nodded their heads, "Uh-huh."

"Everyone?" 

"Yep."

"Then why don't I know them?"

Willow thought about this for a moment and then looked at Xander. Xander thought about catfights and then looked at Willow. Neither responded. 

Finally Xander spoke, "Maybe it's because you're the Slayer."

"Are you saying that being the Slayer means that you do not learn the rules of the takeaway pizza? Is that what you are saying?"

"It's the only logically conclusion I could come up with."

Willow scorned this conclusion and Buffy derided it as stupid but neither of them could come up with a better one so they blamed the lateness of the night for their lack of lateral thinking, or any kind of thinking really. They decided that their time would be much better spent watching brainless Hollywood action blockbusters instead and so they did. Little did they know that while they sat complaining at implausible plots the forces of evil were gathering themselves. That sounds a lot ruder than it is but then again the forces of evil are rather evil so I wouldn't put it past them to be a bit naughty every now and then. 


	2. The Monkey Pant Equation

CHAPTER TWO - MONKEYS + PANTS = MONEY  
  
A large Ha'lot demon stood next to another Ha'lot demon and said, "You know, we haven't tried to destroy all of humanity lately, have we?"  
  
The other Ha'lot demon thought about this for moment then answer. "You're right, we haven't. But you know how the wife feels about me destroying all of humanity."  
  
"Jesus Christ, man! You're a bloody Ha'lot demon!"  
  
"I don't see you destroying all of humanity either."  
  
"Well, maybe it is about time we tried again. After all we Ha'lot demons can kill men by just looking at them and then putting an axe in their head. We were once universally feared throughout the known world. Hell, now we're not even feared in our own household. Well, enough is enough. The time of the Ha'lot demons has come again. Once more we shall daze upon a scene of utter destruction and mass slaughter and say in satisfied tones that we did that! It is time for us to destroy all of humanity!"  
  
"Do you think we'll be able to do it before teatime?"  
  
"I doubt it. Mass slaughter takes much longer than it used too."  
  
"I better go write the wife a note then. You know, so she doesn't worry."  
  
"Go idea."  
  
The two Ha'lot demons went off to write their wives notes and to prepare for the utter and complete destroy of all humanity and the Earth, as we know it.  
  
Back in Sunnydale it was the morning after the night before and Buffy was nuking a slice of pizza when Xander entered the kitchen. He looked at the microwave, looked at Buffy, back at the microwave and then back to Buffy. She moved to speak but stopped herself when Xander looked back at the microwave. After about five seconds or so he once again returned his gaze to Buffy.  
  
"It's not what it looks like." She protested.  
  
Xander paused as if about to say something then turned once again to look at the microwave.  
  
"Stop that!" Shouted Buffy.  
  
"Sorry." He said apologising. Then after a few seconds more his features changed into ones of revelation. "Wait a minute." He said with a tinge of shock in his voice. "You're eating pizza."  
  
Buffy tried to be nonchalant, "So?"  
  
"We finished the pizza last night."  
  
"Yeah, well, obviously we didn't."  
  
"No, we did. I spent half an hour looking for more pizza and didn't find any."  
  
"Oh. So that's what you were doing. We thought you had gone to the toilet and had a little 'difficulty'."  
  
"I did. Well, not the difficulty part."  
  
"But you just said you were looking for pizza."  
  
"I was."  
  
"But that means.Xander! You think I keep pizza in my bathroom? That is so gross."  
  
"What? I know people who keep pizza in their bathroom."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Me."  
  
"Gross!"|  
  
"What? I get hungry while I'm."  
  
Buffy sharply interrupted him. "Yes, thank you. But I'm trying really hard not to form a mental picture."  
  
"This is just distracting us from my original point that you are eating pizza when there was no pizza left. That means," Xander did his best Colombo impersonation. "That you hid a further slice of pizza in a deliberate attempt to ensure you had some pizza to eat in the morning."  
  
"All right, fine! I hid pizza. I did it. I'm guilty as charged. I broke your precious takeaway pizza rules. What you going do about it?"  
  
"I suppose I'm going to have to eat your slice of pizza as punishment." Xander slowly moved his hand towards the now finished microwave but hesitated when he saw the 'touch-that-and-you-die' look on Buffy's face. "Or maybe you've learned your lesson and I won't have to punish you."  
  
Buffy smiled, reached towards the microwave, picked up the slice of pizza, and took a bite. "So, what are you doing over here so early in the morning?"  
  
"The usual."  
  
Buffy nodded then moved away from the cupboard, which she leaning against. Xander opened the cupboard, pulled out a box of Lucky Charms, poured himself a bowl, added milk, and then proceeded to spoon the cereal into his mouth. Between spoonfuls he said, "You know, we haven't faced a big bad in quite a while."  
  
"No." Said Buffy, taking another bite of the pizza slice. "We haven't."  
  
"Isn't that a little unusual?"  
  
"Probably."  
  
"Should we be worried?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"Should I stop tempting fate?"  
  
"Definitely." Buffy said smiling.  
  
There now fell a comfortable silence broken only by the chewing of an Irish themed breakfast cereal and a reheated, slightly soggy, slice of tomato and cheese flavoured bread.  
  
Back in the demon land known only as Q3, because that was the only name everyone didn't disagree about, our two large Ha'lot demons gathered by an oak tree. The first large Ha'lot demon, named Quadra, gestures to the second large Ha'lot demon, named Ba.  
  
Ba does not understand the gesture. "I do not understand the gesture." He says.  
  
"It meant come over here." Explained Quadra.  
  
"Oh. It didn't look like the 'come over here' gesture."  
  
"All right. What does this gesture mean?"  
  
Quadra then made a gesture with his hands.  
  
"That means you're going to hit me in the head."  
  
Quadra then hit Ba in the head.  
  
"Now," Said Quadra, "Is everything organised?"  
  
"Yes." Answered Ba. "Everything is organised."  
  
"What about the weapons? Are they organised?"  
  
"Yes, the weapons are organised."  
  
"The accommodation?"  
  
"Everything is organised."  
  
"The after destruction party?"  
  
"Everything is organised!"  
  
"Oh, right." Quadra turned towards the oak tree, hesitated, then turned back to Ba. "What about the hordes of demonic minions? Are they organised?"  
  
"Everything is organised!" Shouted a very frustrated Ba.  
  
"Oh, right. Repeated Quadra. He then turned back to the oak tree and waited. He waited, waited again, the waited some more, then he stopped waiting. "When is this tree going to change into the inter-dimensional portal?"  
  
A look of horror crept across Ba's face. "Ah." He said. "About the tree."  
  
Quadra cut him off with the 'shut up' gesture. "You didn't organise the inter-dimensional portal, did you?"  
  
Ba's eyes feel to the ground, not literally though. It was more of a metaphorical kind of thing. Obviously it was a particularly evil metaphorical kind of thing being that Ba is an evil Ha'lot demon and this is the evil demon land known only as Q3. However it still was just a metaphorical kind of thing and not literal in any way, shape or form. "No." He said with a voice full of shame.  
  
"Never mind." Said Quadra. He then proceeded to remove branches from the tree. "I learned this trick from a conjuring freelot." After the careful removal of eight branches the tree began to glow. Soon the glow turned into a bright light that shone around the tree. Then in a bright flash of light the tree vanished to be replaced by an inter-dimensional portal. Quadra smiled, "So, the time of the Ha'lot demons has finally arrived. Complete and utter destruction of humanity here we come."  
  
Both Quadra and Ba tried to enter the portal at the same time. They're rather large shoulders meet at the entrance. "I'm sorry." Said Quadra. "After you." He gestured towards the portal.  
  
"No." Replied Ba. "I insist." He also gestured towards the portal.  
  
Quadra make the 'thank you' gesture then walked into the portal. Ba followed him. As the light engulfed them Ba turned to Quadra and said, "You know, I think I left the oven on." Then they were gone. 


End file.
